Because I don't do this enough anymore. Or ever really.
Because I started crying listening to a country song today. And all the time these days.
Because I am completely done-zo with my two boys for the day and Drew is coaxing them to sleep after a major mommy meltdown in which I gave both boys permission to do whatever they want, eat whatever they want, go to bed never, and be the bosses of their own little lives. Miles was in full blown happy dance by the end of my tirade. Sometimes I am the very.worst.mom.
Can you tell yet what this post is trying so very hard not to be about???


I am off my OCD medication again. On again off again... Baby three or no baby three.... Now or later???? Or never??? When I am taking my medicine regularly it not only helps with my compulsive tendencies, but also brings a healthy dose of the happy-go-lucky with it and I don't hate that one bit. But the problem is that you can't take it while pregnant. Now, we aren't "trying" or anything and I am definitely not pregnant but  I am starting to feel like it's nearing the time to get this baby show on the road if the trip is gonna happen. The other problem is that when I am on the medication I feel confident, capable, and even a little excited about the prospect of another little Blimes. But when I am NOT on the meds (which I can't be if I want to get pregnant) I feel like handling my own issues and the two children I already have is more than enough/too much.

So I question what this mean? Does the fact that I feel the need to be medicated to survive motherhood mean I shouldn't even be thinking of another babe? (No idea...) Would I be on the meds whether I had kids or not? (Most likely... yes.) Is Drew getting tired of this conversation over and over again? (Surprisingly no. Or at least he doesn't let on if he does. Again, I married a hero.) So many questions. So many different paths the story could take. Life is really, really hard sometimes.

Don't you love how I go months without posting and then come up in here with some serious, life shifting madness. Real, real, real, I have to keep it real. (There's a catchy tune there.) It's nice to have a place to do so. And with such a diverse readership to glean insight from. Sigh social media buddies. I love your guts. 

I have a bajillion details of our lives waiting to explode onto this little blog. I don't want to post a novel tonight though and my house is looking like a landfill. It is getting scary up in here for real. 
Suffice it to say, a post needed to be written and as often is the case, I am writing to my favorite advise columnists- you all. Any mothers out there willing to share their similar struggles? Any sage words of wisdom to comfort a soldier on the front lines?

Miss you,

                                              (A mother warrior like no other. ILY Mama.)


Jenn said...

I love, love, love your honesty and your willingness to put it all out there, girl. I have no doubt that you would be an amazing mother of three, but you rock Mom of Two pretty hard. I don't think you should rush it if it feels like too much (stop being so young = ) ). I should not be giving advice though since today I yelled "dammit" in front of a park full of parents and children. So there you go... Hang in there! Love you.

Anonymous said...

I am quite sure that Drew loves you, all of you, INCLUDING the things you think are faults. Including, not in spite of... I'm sure of this because I know that's how I feel. Another terrific quality that you have is owning your emotions and insecurities, not making excuses for them. Embrace and accept all of you. Continue to be the best you possible, but don't beat yourself up if some days you feel more human than others. HUGS ~Leslie

Elizabeth Birdwell said...

Of course you know I would love a Blimes baby. Oh how I would loooooove that. However, ESPECIALLY today, I can sympathize with you completely. I've spent all day feeling like I am the most terrible mother. So, you can stop feeling that way, I have the award today missy! I've yelled and lost it completely today with my two. I'm so glad I'm not the only one. I really just want to know if EVERY mother gets like me sometimes or am I really rotten? Are the ones that we think are so perfect and loving to their children all the time REALLY real? I really just want to know. Ok. . . I'm going off on my own little rant. . . back to your situation. First of all, I want your meds. I'm not going to get prego anymore so give me your happy meds lol! I want them!!! Seriously. . . I feel you on this one. I think you are feeling something TOTALLY normal. It doesn't make you a bad mother or an unfit mother or an incapable mother. It just makes you human. You are an INCREDIBLE mom. I've seen you. I know. You love those two with your life. That's what it's really all about. A new baby Blimes would be BLESSED to have you as a mama. FOR SURE. NO DOUBT. I love you for being so real. You help me in so many ways. . . you are truly inspiring. Love you!!

Eloquent Obi said...

you have an amazing family and a strong faith. lean on these things. i am not a mother as of yet, but i can tell you that Heavenly Father knows best. he will bless you with another child if that is in His plan, just like He will bless me with one soon as long as i have faith and remain obedient. you are a great mom, we all have our bad days, you are no different. hug those boys tight, they are precious!

Rachel said...

This makes me love you more than I already do. It also makes me feel good that I AM NOT THE ONLY ONE! (Maybe good is the wrong word, I am comforted I am not alone.) I have a hormonal imbalance that I have to take antidepressants for. While pregnant and breast feeding I can't (won't) take them. It's been a battle and a half to learn how to handle the stress of normal life that other people can do just fine. I have had some serious bad mommy breakdowns in the last week which lead me to seriously consider going back on the medication. One time, while.on my mission, I felt especially overwhelmed with the idea of taking something my body should do on its own. I didn't want to have to be medicated to be happy and my mission presidents wife explained it like this. If it was a blood pressure thing, you need to take meds to help it work the right way. God has given us these things for our well being and benefit. Whether it is emotional or physical, its okay. As far as how to deal with out your medication for pregnancy, you have to decide for yourself if the crazy you will endure is worth the risk. I am all for another beautiful Blimes baby, but you have to weigh out the emotional trauma it may cause. And I think if you haven't already a fast and prayer with a blessing may help you understand your own strength. I hope this helped!

Megan Joy said...

You are a strong,capable,kind real woman and mother. Meds or no meds every mother of multiple children have those same thoughts and issues. You are not alone. We are always the hardest on our selves, and to me it sounds like you need to cut yourself some slack. We have all either been there, are there, or are going there daily and it's okay. We are imperfect and its okay. It's okay. Next time your tempted to beat yourself up- just don't give in to it. Sing a song, cry, meditate, dance but dont do it. You don't deserve it, none of us moms do and the more we stop judging ourselves the more consistently enjoyable this mothering thing will be.

Jessica said...

I love you, all sides of you dear friend :) Life can be scary, decisions are hard, but I would like to give you some advice - look back on your happiness, bloggers are blessed with that ability, you know :) And I think your answers will be there.