I just came home from the most amazing girls weekend get-a-way in Texas.
Oliver talking is the cutest thing in the world.
Miles knows way more about phonics than I realized.
Husband will be home with us every Monday and Thursday starting next week! ( Tele-commuting: Another reason to love his new job.)
I've had a nice month long break from school and almost forgotten what ambition/drive/motivation to learn new things feels like. So basically I am really happy school starts again soon.
More changes are heading our way and we are doing our best to keep up with this crazy life.
We are well though. Things are busy and many nights we all pass out in a filthy house with bellies full of one shameful fast food or another but we are together and most nights happy about it. I am feeling very subdued writing today. Must be the quiet house or the nostalgia that always hits when I dig into this old blog. I don't miss it the way I used to but think of it often. I am learning that there simply isn't time for all the things you want to do each day...week...month... But that's okay. This is a very short, very intense season in my life and I am doing my best. The people I am closet to appreciate my efforts and I love them for it.
It is a lovely lovely life.
I want to see everyone and do everything.
I wish I had infinite time, resources, and energy to devote to all the socializing I am dying to do with friends and family. I miss you all! Thank goodness for social media.
It is late.
I am awake and the house is still. The only sounds I hear are the frogs in the backyard, the air conditioner's gentle hum, and husband's steady breath. That man. I love him so.
It's a funny thing how the middle of the night makes you feel more honest. Well, that's the case for me at least. I remember before Drew and I were actually dating, I was living far away and we would talk on the phone literally all night long every single night and once it got past a certain time of night we would call it "honest time." That was when we told each other things. Real things that couldn't be spoken in the light of day. If you want to really know someone, stay up all night talking with them. At some point in the night everything just starts spilling out and if you're lucky and the magic happens (and I think it will) the next morning you somehow feel safer than you ever have before. Like someone out there knows you. Your whole story. And when there is something new to write, you know they will be the one you go to.
Who are you telling your story to?
Tonight in my insomniac state I have been sifting through memories past on the ole facebook page. My how things have changed in these past few years. I am different. Yes, very much so. But the change I see when comparing old me with new me is a good one. And that makes me happy. I have definitely made mistakes. Big ones at times but I have learned from them and I have moved on. I don't feel responsible for others feelings the way I used to. Empathetic yes, responsible? Absolutely not.
I continue to see plenty of room to grow and many ways I need to be better. But that's a list for another day. I reread a blog post tonight where I was talking about how marriage should be between a man and a woman only. It made me so sad. I know that Heavenly Father has absolutely concrete commandments on what should and should not go on sexually and what not. I understand that. But I also know that He values our agency so much that He made it an indispensable part of His plan. We are free to choose. So my struggle is, why should my beliefs about marriage and commandments and what not dictate whether or not two people in love should be able to be wed? My answer is it shouldn't. It's not up to me to tell anyone what they can and cannot do unless they are harming me or my loved ones. And in my opinion, two people in love, getting married, having babies doesn't harm me or my family one bit.
I sat wondering why I didn't feel that way when I wrote about the subject two years ago and the simple answer is that I just didn't take any time to think about how I really felt about it. I did my same old la dee da give the answer that I know everyone wants to hear. But I am so happy that today I am no longer that girl. And that today that is NOT the answer everyone wants to hear. I am still not a huge fan of confrontation but I'd rather have to debate with someone and be uncomfortable than just smile and nod my way through life. It is amazing how freeing it can be to sit, study, ponder and form your own opinion. Knowing is half the battle right?
This post has taken a turn. Oh well, equal rights is never a bad topic to write on after all.
I have wandered too far from the point and am finding it extremely difficult to make it back... More proof that I'll never be a novelist.
So things have changed as they always do but you know what? The most important things are steady as ever. My family is my whole life. Being Drew's wife is still my favorite thing to do. My kids are wild as can be but I love them ferociously. I am still afraid of so many things (another list for another day), still excited for things, still hopeful for a tomorrow that was even better than the sweetness today held.
Life is so incredible in the most beautifully mixed up ways sometimes. It's good, it's bad, happy, sad, the best, and the worst all at once.
Here's hoping your tomorrow is filled with smiles. And that I can fall asleep now for the love!
I can't even say how many times lately I have clicked that "new post" button only to delete the whole thing or get distracted a couple paragraphs in. Sigh. Sitting down long enough to write is difficult these days and I miss it. I know I have been saying that since Baby Brother was born but it's still true.
Speaking of the big guy, he is SO adorable these days. He is in the middle of his language explosion and all of his new words are cute and mixed up in the most wonderful ways.
His favorite song is Witch Doctor by Alvin and the Chipmunks and he requests it like this "Ooh Ah Ah?" Or sometimes "Ooh Ah Ah Bang Bang?" Adorable.
His favorite food is those little travel yogurt tubes. Gogurt. He calls them "tubes."
When he doesn't want or like something he says "Uh uh" before he says it... "Uh uh mommy bye bye." "Uh uh Daddy take." Aah it is SO cute.
He just pieces his llittle sentences together in the cutest possible ways.
Thunder is "Boom Boom"
Miles' name sounds like mommy when he says it.
Dog is "Wow wow"
Any bird is a "Peep peep"
Water is "Awa" He is trying to say the spanish word for water lol His best friend speaks spanish.
Lizard is "bite" (The first time he held a lizard it bit him)
Car is "broom"
I really need to start writing down all the cute things he says because I can never remember when I am sitting down to write. But trust me when I say he is absolutely adorable.
He starts gymnastics this wednesday and he is so excited to get to go "bye bye" with his big brother. he wants to do every single thing Miles does. :0)
Things are good here. Busy but good. I am seven hours from completing my internship for my major coursework so that is a huge weight lifted and just three weeks from this crazy summer semester ending! Hello two months of freedom! I only take two classes a term so I still have a year and a half til I get the old diploma and I am already sad that it's the beginning of the end. I.Love.School. Seriously NEVER thought I would be able to say that but it's true. It just makes me so much better. A better version of myself I guess is what I am trying to say. I am constantly learning something new. A new way of thinking, a different perspective to view situations through. Learning that just because it's what I always thought does NOT make it correct. That everyone has their very own version of "correct" and that is MORE than okay. In fact it is fabulous!It has all been very.... eye opening. La la love it. I highly recommend furthering your education!
Annnyway, my darling is away on business so I am trying to wait to go to bed until I can barely keep my eyes open. The big bed is very empty without him and sleeping alone kinda freaks me out. We all know how much I loathe guns and all the misery that comes with them but on nights like this I understand why people feel the need to have them in their homes. For us personally it isn't worth the risk but I totally get where they are coming from. Like, what would I do if someone busted in? My plan is to grab the kids and escape out the back door. Or out their window if need be. Maybe I'll sleep in clothes tonight just in case. Even if I had a gun though, it would be of no use to me really. Because it would be locked away in a safe with the bullets in a different safe in a completely different part of the house (for obvious safety reasons) so what would I do? "Oh, hang on Mr. Criminal Guy, let me just run and grab my AK5900 or whatever they heck people blast each other with these days." Yes, it seems the best plan for us is to arm the security system and be prepared to flee if necessary. I remember sleeping with a knife under my pillow in college. Ah the good ole days.
Wow this post has really become a rambler. I must be getting tired after all.
Off to bed with me. Surely a safe and peaceful nights rest awaits us all.
Answer my call when I really need you.
Offer me hugs, kind critiques, and true friendship.
Help my children see something wonderful in the world.
Tell me I'm beautiful.
Watch ridiculous TV with me.
Listen to me cry/whine/worry without judgement.
Accept me even though you may not agree with me.
Smile and laugh with me.
BE REAL. (This one especially.)
Come forth from my womb. (Sorry, only a couple of you can pull that off.)
Make me laugh so hard no sound comes out.
Give me advice. Your best advice. The words of wisdom you treasure up for a stormy day.
Eat with me. If you love food, I probably already love you.
I am SO grateful for friends and family near and far that have stolen my heart in so many different ways.
Feeling blessed, understood and accepted,
Because I don't do this enough anymore. Or ever really.
Because I started crying listening to a country song today. And all the time these days.
Because I am completely done-zo with my two boys for the day and Drew is coaxing them to sleep after a major mommy meltdown in which I gave both boys permission to do whatever they want, eat whatever they want, go to bed never, and be the bosses of their own little lives. Miles was in full blown happy dance by the end of my tirade. Sometimes I am the very.worst.mom.
Can you tell yet what this post is trying so very hard not to be about???
I am off my OCD medication again. On again off again... Baby three or no baby three.... Now or later???? Or never??? When I am taking my medicine regularly it not only helps with my compulsive tendencies, but also brings a healthy dose of the happy-go-lucky with it and I don't hate that one bit. But the problem is that you can't take it while pregnant. Now, we aren't "trying" or anything and I am definitely not pregnant but I am starting to feel like it's nearing the time to get this baby show on the road if the trip is gonna happen. The other problem is that when I am on the medication I feel confident, capable, and even a little excited about the prospect of another little Blimes. But when I am NOT on the meds (which I can't be if I want to get pregnant) I feel like handling my own issues and the two children I already have is more than enough/too much.
So I question what this mean? Does the fact that I feel the need to be medicated to survive motherhood mean I shouldn't even be thinking of another babe? (No idea...) Would I be on the meds whether I had kids or not? (Most likely... yes.) Is Drew getting tired of this conversation over and over again? (Surprisingly no. Or at least he doesn't let on if he does. Again, I married a hero.) So many questions. So many different paths the story could take. Life is really, really hard sometimes.
Don't you love how I go months without posting and then come up in here with some serious, life shifting madness. Real, real, real, I have to keep it real. (There's a catchy tune there.) It's nice to have a place to do so. And with such a diverse readership to glean insight from. Sigh social media buddies. I love your guts.
I have a bajillion details of our lives waiting to explode onto this little blog. I don't want to post a novel tonight though and my house is looking like a landfill. It is getting scary up in here for real.
Suffice it to say, a post needed to be written and as often is the case, I am writing to my favorite advise columnists- you all. Any mothers out there willing to share their similar struggles? Any sage words of wisdom to comfort a soldier on the front lines?
We have seen improvements. Big ones since my last post related to my first born and his spirited ways. Long term readers and those close to me know that I am nothing if not honest here and the night I wrote that I just HAD to let it all out. I thank you all for your love, understanding and suggestions. As I promised myself I would, I deleted the post after a few hours. I am glad so many of you found it a comfort to know you are not alone in the struggle with parenting a strong willed child. It helps me to know it too. Social media. It can be so very very good. Thank you friends for reminding me that above all Miles loves me dearly and I love him. That really is the whole point right?
The night of the post I midnight dialed a friend and just cried and cried to her. She, as she always is, was perfectly calming, understanding, uplifting. I honestly have no idea what I would do without her. I hung up the call knowing all would be well somehow, someday.
Since then I have seen small positive changes in my son. His "I love you's" came back. He started playing our "I Love You More Than..." game again. How I have missed that. He picks me flowers in the yard and on walks. He is hitting much less and he will stay in time out many of the times he's sent there without running away. He is trying and I am grateful.
We definitely continue to have our moments of willfulness defiance, battles, tantrums, and all of the other things I went on about in my post but right now we are moving in the right direction. I just have to keep up the energy to be what he needs me to be. And some days I am positive that I am not cut out for it. But Heavenly Father sent this beautiful boy to me. I was chosen to mother him. And I will not give up on him.
Thank you all again, so much for your advice, encouragement, and hands on help (you know who you are). I love you. Having family and friends as wonderful as you all makes everything seem much more possible.
So you left me a letter.
And just spying it hidden away there in the TV/music stand brought me to tears. You were leaving for a few days for work and you knew that I would be sad when we said good bye. The day and night before you left were the worst in a long long time.
I held back tears as we hugged goodbye in the driveway. I couldn't hold on too long or too tight because six children were attempting the great escape.
"You should go inside and watch some TV or something."
"I can't do that with all the kids here."
"Well, you should. Just go in and watch some TV or turn on some music."
When I walked back inside the TV cabinet was baby proofed shut. I opened it to find the love you left behind for me.
How do you always know just what to do,
what to say to chase my crazy away.
Your letter was loving, supportive, and funny.
Just like you.
I cannot believe how blessed I am.
How blessed we are to have found one another.
You're right you know?
We really don't need anything but each other and our little family to be happy.
I love the boy you were when we met.
I love the man you have become.
I love growing up with you.
Working hard to become the people we dreamed of being.
Thank you for loving me every single day.
Thank you for never letting me doubt for one second that you know me.
Want me near.
There is something very special about you.
And I plan on keeping it all to myself.
I love you and miss you like crazy,