we had a party.

Lest my first born's third birthday party be forgotten (and all my hard work with it) I am going to post a few pics here, even though its two months later.

 

There were monsters everywhere!

 

 I kinda had way too much fun creating these bad boys.

 

 Amazing Cake by my madre.

 A gazillion WONDERFUL guests!

 That cake tasted even better than it looked too.

 This is one happy birthday boy.

The birthday boy enjoying some of his spoils.


Thank you all who attended, you really made my little guys' big day super special.


M

the ocd diaries

Chapter 3: Wake Up

A couple weeks ago, on a long drive to Georgia, after all the small talk was used up and there was nothing easy left to say, my mama and I started remembering. We do this often on our drives, after the kids are asleep and night has fallen all around us. It is quiet and dark and safe in the car. The perfect place for telling secrets.

On this particular night, we were remembering parts from my childhood. The ugly parts. I find it simultaneously heart wrenching and incredibly interesting to hear mama's side of my story. I can't imagine how she must have felt, being completely helpless while her child self-destructed right in front of her.

She was the one I always went to. I told her all of my scary, twisted thoughts. Thoughts no 8 year old should ever have. She listened and never batted an eye lash. She never made me feel like I was abnormal (even though clearly I was). She was my safe place and I her constant worry.

I love you for seeing me through mama. Thank you for listening, and loving me. I know I didn't make it easy.

It is a strange sensation, to have your own brain lie to you in your every waking hour. Sending out false alarms that feel SO real and twisting everything you see or touch, say, think or do into a consuming perversion of what really is.

You spend your days talking to yourself under your breath, trying to convince yourself that you're still the same person you were before the obsessions began.  Praying the same prayer over and again pleading for comfort, for forgiveness for things you haven't done wrong but your brain has you convinced that it's only a matter of time until you do. Or maybe you already have.

Lies.

The only peace you have is in sleep. Falling asleep is next to impossible but once you are there nothing matters. There is no elephant sized weight on your chest making it almost impossible to breath. No terrifying images blasting across the screen of your mind causing fear so intense you may throw up. Sleep. The great escape. I slept in the bed with my mom until I got married. Weird yes, but let's face it, I am weird.

To this day I feel guilty and sad whenever I think of those dark times and all the heartache the disease put my family through. I hate to even think about it but remembering helps in a weird way too.

 Thinking back to the scared little girl I was, and remembering all her pain and the years she spent crying and begging and praying for the thoughts and feelings to go away, I feel sad for her yes. But I also feel so grateful for where I am today.  When you've sunk so deep into the black that the only light left is in dreams, there is something unbelievably magical about feeling OK with just being awake.

M

i before e

The latest get outta nap time free card. "Mom, I gotta go find Mary Jane for Spider Man first and then I can lay down."

Oh my I love him. 

But I HATE nap time.

I will never understand why the kids I babysit lay down without so much as a peep but my own children fight me tooth and nail. Hmmph.

I know I ask this ALL the time but, how do you moms of multiple kids do it? And why do you never answer me when I ask? Do I need to be more specific in my questioning? Or do you just plain not have time to respond because you have multiple kiddos? I truly feel your pain there but I need advice!

I don't think I have ever been quite this far behind in my life. I am doing mediocre at best in every aspect of my wifery/motherhood/studying/etc.... Do you realize that hubby and I didn't even "celebrate" on Valentines Day? What the what!?! I am slackin' for sure but at the same time I feel like I am running ragged just to keep my head above water.

And now I'm complaining on my blog. Oh me oh my quesas.

Whining aside, I got a B- on my first statistics exam, which I am totally happy about. 

My MIL, FIL and SIL and her sweet baby girl are visiting this weekend, yessssssssss!!!!

The Rascall Flatts concert was ahhhhmazing. Felt like church and a party mixed together for one awesome night of, well, awesomeness.

My dad just finished building a picnic style bench for my eclectic dining set. Yay! Can't wait to get that project up and running.

But seriously people, I need suggestions on how to get it all done over here. I love yall so much but can you please stop making it look so easy! Seriously bloggers! ;0)

Also, Bachelor... What can I say Ben? I kinda knew you would disappoint. We'll see what happens but my faith in you is thread bare at best.

Peace Love and Survivor,

M

no one's gonna love you more than i do.

On our very first Valentines Day together, 2002, we were "just friends."  We made taco salad with Fani and you gave us flowers and played guitar for us. Then we snuggled while listening to Fani's roommate practice for her speech class. We were so into each other but I was a big, fat, dummy head. Thank God you were patient with me.

For the next two Valentines Days, 2003/2004, you were away on your mission and I could only daydream of you. We sent letters, packages and goodies but it wasn't the same as having your arms (and lips) home with me.

We were engaged by the next Valentines Day, 2005, or just about to be. You played me a private concert and we practiced cooking homemade goodness. I think I remember some kind of green beans with mushroom soup...? It was magical to spend lovers day with you in my arms instead of just on my mind.

2006, our first Valentines Day as a married couple. I remember this one like yesterday. We had  decided to take turns planning our Valentines activities and I went first. There was a pair of homemade dice. Hee hee. One had parts of the body and the other food/sauce items. Oh my.

The next year it was your turn. 2007.  Four words hunny... Deal or No Deal. Bahahahahahahahahha. I love your face. And the rest of you too. ;0)

Do you remember the letter I wrote you on Valentines Day 2008? I bet you do. Please Lord, don't ever let that be read by ANYONE EVER. For your eyes only love.

In 2009 you planned a Choose your own adventure Valentines Day and it was AWESOME. By then I had started the blog so it is fully documented in all its glory. You are a rockstar.

Valentines Day fell on a Sunday in 2010 so I planned a special home cooked meal. Crab stuffed Manacotti, and we goofed off with Cyberscopes while Miles hung out with his Valentine Anna.

Last year, 2011, I had sweet Oliver in my tummy and was working like crazy on Valentines Day but you managed to make it so special all the same. You planted gifts all around the house and texted me every hour with a new location to find a surprise. Like I said, you're amazing.

I love you so much hunnie. I am so glad to be your Valentine. You make life so easy and sweet. I can't imagine spending this journey with anyone else. You were meant for me.

Happy Valentines Day!

M

testify.

No. I didn't stand up in front of the congregation and share my testimony this morning. I didn't take the chance to tell my fellow saints how very dear they are to me and how sometimes just seeing their faces makes my whole week better. I didn't say how completely true I know the gospel to be and how every single day I am thankful for the effects it has on my life.

No. I didn't say anything. But I did show up. And I will keep showing up.

I will wrangle two VERY active boys into constricting suits every Sunday, brush their teeth and hair (which let's face it, doesn't happen nearly often enough because of the epic battle that ensues. Yes, we are a little gross...), pack toys that won't be touched because the podium in front of the chapel is of far superior intrigue,  stash snacks that will mostly be ignored except when they are being ground into the carpet/pew/my hair and clothes, deal with leaving all of my classes at least once (on a good day) to feed/change/comfort/distract/put someone in time out, spend the majority of my time exchanging glances with husband secretly agreeing to tie my fallopian tubes in double knots the second we get home, drag a screeching three year old out of the chapel over and over and over trying to teach him the proper reverence for our meetings... and then, once it's all over, I will herd the troublesome twosome to the car where the weeping, wailing and gnashing of teeth will consume the entirety of our drive home.

And after all that, I'll be back next Sunday, begging for more.

Because the church is true.

And sometimes just showing up is the most powerful way to show you know it.

Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ know us, they love us and Christ did come to earth to teach us how to return home again someday. He suffered for our sins and our pains so that He can help us when no one else can. President Thomas S. Monson is a true and living prophet of God on the earth today and his words will keep us out of trouble in this uncertain and ever changing world. Joseph Smith did find and translate the Book of Mormon for our day. It is a true record that can bless us beyond our wildest dreams if we follow its teachings. I am thankful today and everyday that I have this beautiful gospel in my life. I hope to teach my children its beauty and see them grow in faith and the light of the truth.

And that is my testimony for today.

M

some dance to remember.

 (credit)

I love you more today than yesterday.

But not as much as tomorrow.

M

string around my finger.

A few things this week has brought to mind...

A good friend is better than almost anything. They tell you what you need to hear, listen without judgement, laugh at your bad jokes, see good in you when you cant and most of all, they always serve salmon patties.

A kind husband is more important than a rich husband. Kindness is better than a six pack. Better than a big house and fancy cars. A kind husband is a treasure. If you have one, show him some appreciation.

I am SO glad to be out of the dating game. Seven years seems to have drastically changed the way the world dates. I fear for my boys when their time comes. Maybe arranged marriages will be back in by then. Yes, We'll hope for that.

Being ladylike is an art long forgotten. Let's resurrect it a bit shall we ladies? How's your posture right now? Yeah, mine too. Sit up straight! It does wonderful things for your breasts!

Peanut butter babies make me have raging baby fever. Thanks for that.

Life is short. Pay attention to things that make you happy and let the rest take care of itself.

Also, how is this my first blog this week? Ugh. this is gonna be harder than I thought.

M