6/18/13

change...love...equality...insomnia.


I want to see everyone and do everything.
I wish I had infinite time, resources, and energy to devote to all the socializing I am dying to do with friends and family. I miss you all! Thank goodness for social media.

It is late. 
I am awake and the house is still. The only sounds I hear are the frogs in the backyard, the air conditioner's gentle hum, and husband's steady breath. That man. I love him so.

It's a funny thing how the middle of the night makes you feel more honest. Well, that's the case for me at least. I remember before Drew and I were actually dating, I was living far away and we would talk on the phone literally all night long every single night and once it got past a certain time of night we would call it "honest time." That was when we told each other things. Real things that couldn't be spoken in the light of day. If you want to really know someone, stay up all night talking with them. At some point in the night everything just starts spilling out and if you're lucky and the magic happens (and I think it will) the next morning you somehow feel safer than you ever have before. Like someone out there knows you. Your whole story. And when there is something new to write, you know they will be the one you go to.

Who are you telling your story to?

Tonight in my insomniac state I have been sifting through memories past on the ole facebook page. My how things have changed in these past few years. I am different. Yes, very much so. But the change I see when comparing old me with new me is a good one. And that makes me happy. I have definitely made mistakes. Big ones at times but I have learned from them and I have moved on. I don't feel responsible for others feelings the way I used to. Empathetic yes, responsible? Absolutely not.
 I continue to see plenty of room to grow and many ways I need to be better. But that's a list for another day. I reread a blog post tonight where I was talking about how marriage should be between a man and a woman only. It made me so sad. I know that Heavenly Father has absolutely concrete commandments on what should and should not go on sexually and what not. I understand that. But I also know that He values our agency so much that He made it an indispensable part of His plan. We are free to choose. So my struggle is, why should my beliefs about marriage and commandments and what not dictate whether or not two people in love should be able to be wed? My answer is it shouldn't. It's not up to me to tell anyone what they can and cannot do unless they are harming me or my loved ones. And in my opinion, two people in love, getting married, having babies doesn't harm me or my family one bit. 
I sat wondering why I didn't feel that way when I wrote about the subject two years ago and the simple answer is that I just didn't take any time to think about how I really felt about it. I did my same old la dee da give the answer that I know everyone wants to hear. But I am so happy that today I am no longer that girl. And that today that is NOT the answer everyone wants to hear. I am still not a huge fan of confrontation but I'd rather have to debate with someone and be uncomfortable than just smile and nod my way through life. It is amazing how freeing it can be to sit, study, ponder and form your own opinion. Knowing is half the battle right?

This post has taken a turn. Oh well, equal rights is never a bad topic to write on after all.

I have wandered too far from the point and am finding it extremely difficult to make it back... More proof that I'll never be a novelist.

So things have changed as they always do but you know what? The most important things are steady as ever. My family is my whole life. Being Drew's wife is still my favorite thing to do. My kids are wild as can be but I love them ferociously. I am still afraid of so many things (another list for another day), still excited for things, still hopeful for a tomorrow that was even better than the sweetness today held. 

Life is so incredible in the most beautifully mixed up ways sometimes. It's good, it's bad, happy, sad, the best, and the worst all at once.

Here's hoping your tomorrow is filled with smiles. And that I can fall asleep now for the love!

M



2 comments:

Mandy said...

For what it's worth, I totally agree with your position on equal rights. I know what I believe, but I also don't feel like I have the right to tell 2 people who believe differently, that they're wrong. Agency is a beautiful thing and you are a beautiful person, inside and out. XOXO

Eloquent Obi said...

great post! equality is great. it is nice to live in a country that lets you choose just about whatever and whomever.