in our defense.

Today a friend confided in me that she had said some unkind things about me during an argument with her husband. Strange thing was, I didn't get mad. It really didn't bother me at all. I love her, she loves me. End of story. But it struck me in such an odd way I thought I'd like to have it recorded and possibly get some feedback on the subject so here we are.

See, she and her man were having it out (as all married couples do from time to time) and she said something along the lines of  "I don't want to be like Marquesas and not tell you what's bothering me and then resent you for the things you do and don't do!"

I was startled at first. Is this the perception she has of me and my marriage? Because Drew and I don't fight it means I don't stand up for myself? Does she see me as a giant doormat? Do other people too? I thought about it for maaaaybe half a second and decided I didn't care.

So unlike me. I am usually VERY much concerned with how my friends perceive me, my choices and my life. But in this case I don't know, it just rolled right off me.

Yes, it's true. I do get frustrated and feel alone at times. What wife/mother doesn't? But, I decided a long time ago that I wanted to live in a peaceful house. No yelling, no fighting, no intentionally hurting each others feelings. That doesn't mean there's not conflict. We simply choose to deal with it in our own way. If I am feeling overwhelmed, before I say something that might hurt someone I take a walk or a bath and broach the subject again later when I've had time to really put things into perspective.

Does it reeeally matter that my husband doesn't help much with the housework? Somedays it feels like a scream-it-from-the-rooftops- YES! But most of the time, no. It really doesn't. (Hubby, this is not a get outta housework free card, just sayin'!)  :0)

What does matter is that he is KIND. He LOVES me. He is good at the BIG PICTURE things in life. SO what if he doesn't seem to notice how sticky the floor is or that the toilet looks like some freak science experiment gone wrong. He notices when I've had a hard day and need a hug. He notices when Miles wants to play or needs snuggled on the couch. He NEVER and I mean NEVER criticizes me. NEVER raises his voice to me. NEVER lashes out and tries to intentionally hurt me. He is a GOOD man. And I am lucky. He's not perfect, I'm not perfect. But we love each other the best way we know how and it works for us.

The advice Drew gives people before they get married is:
 "If it's not worth getting divorced over it's not worth fighting over."

I guess you could say that that's our little marriage motto. It may seem general and overly optimistic but it works around here. Please don't think I'm claiming to have the perfect marriage here. No one has that. I just felt like sharing a bit after the conversation I had with my girl this morning.

Happy Thursday and book and appointment with Lindsey Lou Photography soon!


Domesticated-Bliss said...

Marquesas, I wouldn't call you an avoider of problems and I think you and Drew are very well suited for each others personalities.

Don't let anyone rain on your parade when it comes to this topic. It is never good to compare marriages to one another - everyone is different!

And referencing your quote: Don't look at what he is not. Look at what he is.

That is the source of many many arguments in a lot of marriages.

You're happy, he's happy and you're raising (soon to be 2) wonderful children.

Kim said...

I agree with Drew's advice. Stace and I both hate conflict and drama, and we love each other, so why should we have to fight? Stace wrote me on his mission about a conference talk given by President Hinckley called "The Women in our Lives." He said it was his favorite talk of that GC, and that his favorite part was when he said "I can honestly say that in 70 years of marriage (or 60...), we never got into a serious argument." Stace said he wanted our marriage to be that way. And it is. I dealt with hearing enough fighting in my home growing up; I don't want anymore. It's one of the reasons I was so attracted to Stace: he is so calm and gentle. I know you've said that those are some of the things you love about Drew too. If you don't have a hot temper and neither does he, fighting is just not how you deal with things and that is wonderful and you shouldn't be wronged for it by an outsider looking in.
I'm sorry someone unfairly judged you and your marriage. I hate it when people draw unkind conclusions about someone, or deduce a person must be a certain way, based on their perception of a person's blog posts. It's not very nice. Good for you for letting it roll off your back. That is hard to do.