my tiny healer.

There was a long while in our marriage that I didn't think I'd ever have a baby. Not because I couldn't get pregnant or because we couldn't afford it. Because I was afraid. I was afraid I couldn't be a mother like I wanted to be. Healthy, normal, sane. If I even started thinking about thinking about trying to get pregnant there'd be another setback. You see, I have OCD. It's a part of me. An ugly, crazy, at times too much to bear part of me. It's always with me but it only hurts really badly once in a while.

It is what it is. I've been dealing with it off and on since I was 7 years old. And it scared me to the point that I feared my dream of having a baby with the man I loved could never be.

For years I had no idea it was OCD. I just thought I was a crazy person. There was therapy. There were meds. There were so many many long nights Drew sat up holding me till I fell asleep safe in his arms. He made sure to be there when I woke so I wasn't afraid. He'd take me to work with him so I didn't have to be alone. (Times were rough for a while there.) He stayed with me. Prayed with me. He called down the powers of heaven on my behalf. He got me through. On days when it was just too hard he was my only reason to stay alive. He made me want to be happy and silly. The way I am when OCD isn't around. I was getting by. Living but not really alive. Dreaming of the life I wanted. A life without the beast. Then something happened.

I was at church and the warmest feeling overcame me. "You can do this. You were made to do this. It's time." Heavenly Father was speaking to me through the Holy Spirit.

I got brave.


I decided that nothing. Not even this devil I live with was going to keep me from my dreams anymore. My life may not have been exactly what I had imagined but it was still worth living. And dreaming of.

I started taking prenatal vitamins.

One step closer.

I convinced Drew we should get off the pill.

Almost there.

Within 2 weeks I was pregnant

And then something really wonderful happened.

I got REALLY brave. I had someone depending on ME to be healthy. To eat, even when I was too anxious to feel hungry. To sleep when my mind was drowning in thoughts. I got better. Stronger. Nothing was going to stop me from becoming the mother this child deserved.

Then he arrived. Wow! He filled me with joy and terror all at once! What had I gotten us all into!?! I began mothering. I faltered at first; scared outta my mind. The day my mother-in-law left I cried and cried. But I mothered nonetheless. I mothered him not only because I loved him but because I refused to let the fear win. I was not going to let this beast come between me and my child. Not for one second.

The closer we got the farther fear ran away. Each coo and cry made me a little stronger. And day by day I got better. I wasn't thinking as much or worrying for no reason. I was mothering! And I was good at it! Yes I still have OCD. I imagine I always will but I also have a reason to fight. I will fight to be present with my two loves. They give me the strength to do it.

Being a mother has made me better. I'm by no means perfect. Well, I guess I'm perfect at being IMPERFECT! But, I am better. Happy and almost whole. And I can't ask for more.

We all have our battles. Every day. I am just so thankful that I have two people so very worth fighting for.

M

PS
I know I don't talk about this much with many people and this is way more serious than my blog normally is, but don't be shy. If you ever wanna know more or may be struggling with something similar (or something totally different and just need an ear) I'm always ready to talk. Don't be afraid to let your crazies come out to play! Ha!