( How bout a pretty picture before we head down to Crazy Town!?!)
Chapter two I suppose... Exorcism
Growing up my mother never waivered in teaching me right from wrong. We always went to church and between her and my sweet Mema I had NO DOUBT about what NOT to do in life. Which is of course a good thing. A great thing!
But... For a person with OCD, such black and white lines between good and bad can cause major issues. Especially when your brain is constantly trying to tell you how you did this, that or the other all wrong and will probably burn in hell forever now...
See, OCD attaches itself to your worst fears. Fear is the life blood of OCD. All of OCD's power lies in the fears and anxieties of it's sufferers. It creeps into your mind and screams at you over and over that whatever it is you're most afraid of is going to happen. Or maybe it already did happen and you just don't remember. Or that you are going to cause it to happen. That you are bad and nothing you do will ever make you better. You get the idea.
See, OCD attaches itself to your worst fears. Fear is the life blood of OCD. All of OCD's power lies in the fears and anxieties of it's sufferers. It creeps into your mind and screams at you over and over that whatever it is you're most afraid of is going to happen. Or maybe it already did happen and you just don't remember. Or that you are going to cause it to happen. That you are bad and nothing you do will ever make you better. You get the idea.
So say you're around 8 years old and you just happen to have caught some of The Exorcist one night while your parents were watching it. That's a scary movie all on its own but when OCD gets involved... eek.
My OCD picked up on the fear that movie struck in me VERY quickly. Maybe even overnight. I rememeber praying and praying over and over again that I wouldn't become possessed by a demon. That I wouldn't end up with my head spinning 360 degrees or projectile vomiting green goo. That I wouldn't become evil. Because well, being evil is bad and I wanted to be a good girl like I knew I should.
And then ocd began it's horrible game... "Hey Marquesas! What if really deep down in your heart you want to be possessed? Hmmm Marquesas, what if you love Satan? I think you do. Yes, you do. In fact you worship him. Don't bother fighting it, you're already gone. You are a disciple of Satan. You are bad bad bad and no one can help you."
Thoughts like those came over and over all day everyday. I prayed constantly to be able to think of something, anything else. For forgiveness of my sins, for Heaven to help me be safe from the devil. But as anyone whose ever dealt with this disease knows, you can't pray it away. Eventually when I'd say "Dear Heavenly Father" to begin my prayers my brain would tell me that I had actually said "Dear devil my father." So then I was stuck. I couldn't even pray for help without OCD's interference. OCD had taken my prayers away. Crazy right?
Eventually I developed a ritual that allowed me to sneak around OCD while praying. I'd say "Dear Heavenly Father" about 5 times and then switch it to "My Father in Heaven," several more times then go about my prayers just fine. Rituals, incase you didnt know have a VERY big role in the lives of people with ocd. And they are bad. Step one to living a happier life with ocd is STOP DOING THE RITUALS! They seem like they are helping you but they are only giving OCD more power!
That's the one thing about OCD that keeps me fighting everyday. I KNOW that just as it took my prayers from me as a child, if I give in even a little it will eventually take away EVERYTHING. It roots itself in your mind so deeply that it ultimately infiltrates every thought of every waking moment. (Ask, Drew, he's seen me there. He calls it "the dark place." I love him.) That's when you start to crack up. Not a good place to be. OCD is a thief of happiness, normalcy (if there really is such a thing) and peace.
Ultimately, as they always do, this obsession passed when another took it's place. I stopped worrying about becoming a satanic disciple (though to this day I occasionally feel compelled to repeat my "Dear Heavenly Father's" several times when beginning a prayer... And every now and then I give in and just do the dang ritual so I can get on with my prayers and get to bed. What!?! I'm only human!) and I moved on with my childhood.
Sadly, when the obsession that replaced my fear of satanic discipleship reared it's ugly head I would've gone back to fretting over demons in a heart beat. But that's another story for another day.
M
*** If any of you, bloggy/fb friends or those I see/talk with regularly in person want to talk about these little posts of mine, don't be shy. Clearly I am an open book (?maybe too open?) and I will answer any questions with candid honesty. I just want everyone to feel comfortable. NO elephants in the room for me, there are enough of them roaming around my brain ;0)***
And then ocd began it's horrible game... "Hey Marquesas! What if really deep down in your heart you want to be possessed? Hmmm Marquesas, what if you love Satan? I think you do. Yes, you do. In fact you worship him. Don't bother fighting it, you're already gone. You are a disciple of Satan. You are bad bad bad and no one can help you."
Thoughts like those came over and over all day everyday. I prayed constantly to be able to think of something, anything else. For forgiveness of my sins, for Heaven to help me be safe from the devil. But as anyone whose ever dealt with this disease knows, you can't pray it away. Eventually when I'd say "Dear Heavenly Father" to begin my prayers my brain would tell me that I had actually said "Dear devil my father." So then I was stuck. I couldn't even pray for help without OCD's interference. OCD had taken my prayers away. Crazy right?
Eventually I developed a ritual that allowed me to sneak around OCD while praying. I'd say "Dear Heavenly Father" about 5 times and then switch it to "My Father in Heaven," several more times then go about my prayers just fine. Rituals, incase you didnt know have a VERY big role in the lives of people with ocd. And they are bad. Step one to living a happier life with ocd is STOP DOING THE RITUALS! They seem like they are helping you but they are only giving OCD more power!
That's the one thing about OCD that keeps me fighting everyday. I KNOW that just as it took my prayers from me as a child, if I give in even a little it will eventually take away EVERYTHING. It roots itself in your mind so deeply that it ultimately infiltrates every thought of every waking moment. (Ask, Drew, he's seen me there. He calls it "the dark place." I love him.) That's when you start to crack up. Not a good place to be. OCD is a thief of happiness, normalcy (if there really is such a thing) and peace.
Ultimately, as they always do, this obsession passed when another took it's place. I stopped worrying about becoming a satanic disciple (though to this day I occasionally feel compelled to repeat my "Dear Heavenly Father's" several times when beginning a prayer... And every now and then I give in and just do the dang ritual so I can get on with my prayers and get to bed. What!?! I'm only human!) and I moved on with my childhood.
Sadly, when the obsession that replaced my fear of satanic discipleship reared it's ugly head I would've gone back to fretting over demons in a heart beat. But that's another story for another day.
M
*** If any of you, bloggy/fb friends or those I see/talk with regularly in person want to talk about these little posts of mine, don't be shy. Clearly I am an open book (?maybe too open?) and I will answer any questions with candid honesty. I just want everyone to feel comfortable. NO elephants in the room for me, there are enough of them roaming around my brain ;0)***
7 comments:
I love you Marquesas! You are awesome. OCD sucks and you are great with dealing with it!
This is so interesting and scary and sad and inspiring at the same time. How scary the world must have been to you in your darkest times...
How old were you when you were diagnosed with OCD?
lol yes,ocd is al of those things! I wasn't officially diagnosed until 2007. Crazy huh? Looking back it seems sooo obvious but no one knew exactly what was going on with me. It wasn't until I was grown and tired of feeling crazy all the time that I took action and figured things out.
I have so much respect for you. Authenticity is a rare gem these days and it takes a very strong woman to share her darkest places with others. You are an inspiration.
You rock, and you are super awesome to put this out there!
Awe inspiring as usual M :) Thanks for sharing, you never know how many people will benefit from your experience.
I totally stopped watching demon/evil spirited movies because of the feelings I get during them. I worry cause I get thoughts like "because I watched that, I allowed the devil to be in my mind and he might control me now" or even if I listen to scary stories I worry. so in a way, without the OCD and rituals, I have been where your thoughts have been. It's not a fun place.
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